Politeness is important whether you are writing a letter or greeting someone in the street. To just say, ‘Bonjour’ is not enough. One should say, ’Bonjour Monsieur/ Bonjour Madame’. Older people should be addressed as ‘vous’, as should teachers and everyone really until you become good friends with them. One of my students even corrects his children when they use ‘tu’ to speak to him. He replies, ‘Am I one of your friends?’ There are long phrases that ought to be used when writing letters. By contrast, politeness can be used in an ironic way to be impolite. When a young man sitting next to me on the bus requested that I move to let him off with, ‘Excusez-moi, Madame, puis-je vous derange just un petit minute parce-que je veux decendre’,* I thought him an extremely polite young man. When I related this to my daughter her response was that he was probably being rude by his excessively flowery speech! *Excuse me, madam, could I just annoy you for just a second, because I would like to get off.

It must be much easier to be a poet in France than in the UK, when ‘fille’ rhymes with ‘esprit’.

 Why can’t French sinks just have a rubber plug on a chain? Who invented the horrible little contraption with a cartwheel on the end that needs pulling out every week in order to brush away all the black algae that it has encouraged to grow? And what happens to all that smelly, slimy stuff? It gets washed down the sink where it would have happily gone if not for the ‘sophisticated’ trapping device!

When we have taken pizza along to a shared meal, we have been surprised to find that it was cut up and served as an ‘aperitif’ to accompany the drinks before the main dishes. Bizarrely, in Reims there is a pizza shop called ‘Pulpy Pizza’! One of my students explained that ‘pulpeux’ can mean, full of texture and that ‘les lèvres pulpeuses’ are full sensual lips. My daughter said that they are very good pizzas in spite of the name.

 In all of our travels in France I don’t think we have ever seen an outdoor reared ‘herd’, ‘drove’ or ‘sounder’. We live close to Rethel, famous for its ‘boudin blanc’ (a white sausage made with pork, bread, cream, spices and eggs) and further to the west is the Ardennes region, famous in the UK for its pâté, but a pig in clover is seldom seen. Driving though my native East Anglia, we pass many farms where pigs have a muddy field, sunshine and shelters. The same can be said when travelling though Wiltshire and the West Country. Sad to say 95% of French pigs are intensively reared indoors and because of their close confinement, routinely treated with antibiotics. We were very happy to find ‘sanglier’ on sale in Lidl’s and Aldi and so treat ourselves to wild boar which is amazingly different in taste and colour to pale pink pork slices.

Pillows are almost certain to be rectangular in the UK but are by tradition square in France. Having transported beds, bedlinen and pillows with us to France, this has caused a bit of a problem when needing new pillowcases. Some supermarkets sell a limited range of rectangular ones, but they are not easily available. Buying a matching set of new bed linen is a problem because the pillowcases that match are most likely to be square. “Je cherche une taie d’oreiller rectangulaire”, might be of use to you.

 Ever since the start of the Baccalaureate in 1809, French children have learnt Philosophy. They have to be able to discuss a topic such as, ‘Can one ever be certain of being right?’. Every word must be considered, the pro’s and the con’s set forth and famous philosophers must be quoted. This is to teach French children to be able to analyse and to think through issues, so as to come to sensible decisions in a democratic society. A ramification of this means that any meeting can go on for hours as everyone wants to give his/her opinion and to examine all sides of the argument, even if it seems a simple decision needs to be made. French people have been trained to be able to speak 100 words where a British person would use just 10.

 Scenario – You have managed to find the name and address of a good plumber; you have phoned him and arranged a time and a date for him to come. He does not show up. A) You wait until he calls you. B) You phone him and keep phoning him until he comes. Response ‘A’ is what a British person would do. We expect that if someone says he will do your work, he will keep his appointment and you are in his diary. Response B is the French way. Anyone who has read typical stories of people buying old houses in the south of France and the tales of builders who never turn up, has been amused by this. Making a fuss seems to be the only way to get your artisan to put you at the top of his list of priorities. Imagine his position. He has twenty clients. Nineteen, phone and email him continually with their ‘urgent’ work. Client number 20 slips from his mind. One of my students has her own way of getting things done. She will go to the doctor’s or dentist’s at the very end of the day, having made no appointment. The receptionist will say that it is impossible for her to see the professional. My lady says, ‘There is no problem, I can wait, I have my flask of coffee, a sandwich and a book.’ The professional wants to go home at the end of the day, so reluctantly agrees to see her!

Peas are always ‘des petits pois’ even though they are bigger, harder, and less sweet than the frozen peas we are used to in the U.K. Peas, that are eaten while still in their pods, are called ‘Mange Tout’ (French for ‘eat all’) in English. It would seem reasonable that the name originated from the French language, but they are called ‘Pois Gourmand’ in French. French people are amazed that the peas we eat in the UK are bright green and they think this must be unnatural. Having been a Food Taster for Unilever, part of our work was to quality control Bird’s Eye peas. They are selected to be sweet, tender and green. By contrast, French peas that are sold in jars are grey-green. To find a sweet, tender frozen pea you have to seek out ‘Garden peas’. Derrière leur nom anglo-saxon, les Garden Peas sont des gros pois cultivés en Bretagne. Ils développent un goût sucré et une texture fondante auxquels on est peu habitué. = ‘Behind their English name, the Garden Peas are big peas, grown in Brittany. They develop a sweet taste and a melting texture which we are not accustomed to.’ Another proof, that tender peas are not the norm, is the recommended cooking times on packets of frozen peas. I thought there had been a printing mistake when I read that I must cook frozen peas for 8-14 minutes or 5-9 minutes in a pressure cooker! One brand promises, ‘Une garantie de délai entre la récolte et la surgélation de moins de 150 minutes’ = ‘A delay between harvesting and freezing of less than 150 minutes.’ A promise that has always been the case with Bird’s Eye peas! A mother’s comment on a French frozen foods firm’s website said, Très bons petits pois, pas farineux et très doux. Même mes enfants en mangent avec plaisir. – ‘Very good peas,very tender, not floury, and even my children eat them with pleasure!’ It sounds as if her previous experience of peas was very different! If you don’t believe me, then perhaps you will believe a French Chef, namely Raymond Blanc, who recommends Bird’s Eye peas in his book ‘Simple French Cookery’ for the recipe ‘Petits pois à la française’. “I must say that Bird’s Eye were the best we used for this recipe because they are harvested very young and frozen within 24 hours, so retain optimum flavour and freshness”!

 French pavements do not seem to be made for pedestrians. Cars are encouraged to park on them. A tiny little sign at the town limit, of a red circle with a blue interior divided by a red diagonal line, that you need to have pointed out to you, will usually indicate which side of the road you can park on. It may say, ‘Stationnement alterné semi-mensuel dans toute l’agglomération’. The numbers in the circle divide the month in half e.g. 1-15 and 16-31. From the first to the fifteenth of the month you must park on the side of the road which has even house numbers. From the sixteenth onwards you must park on the odd numbered side of the street. Cars should be parked half on and half off the pavements to leave plenty of room for emergency vehicles. In practice, cars park very badly and leave no room for pedestrians. Mothers with pushchairs are forced to walk in the road, and pushing a wheelchair is a gruelling exercise of going up and down kerbs and trying to find possible routes. There are often concrete blocks planted in the middle of a path which seem designed to trip up pedestrians. A brand-new road makeover near where we live, took away all the pavements so walkers share the same tarmac as vehicles and bicycles. Bizarre! By contrast in the UK parking on the pavement is forbidden and could get you a fine of £70.