Schoolbook French does not equip you for the situations that you actually meet when you live in France. For instance – buying worms!

I am a keen organic gardener. I compost all our waste but when our bins are full I have two wormeries. Vegetable peelings will turn to compost if digested by special red worms. I discovered that Pêche Mondial (World of Fishing) sells the right sort. They can be found in the refrigerator right at the back of the shop. It’s quite daunting going into this store as I am usually the only woman to be seen.

Shop assistants are always ever so helpful in France and always arrive at your side to offer aid. Hence the first encounter with the sales person there (always nice young men) led to the following exchange.

Me, “I am looking for some earth worms”. Him,” Would you like, small, medium or large?” Never before have I needed to consider the benefits of small or large worms! But on reflection, I said, ” Small, because they will grow”. Up to this point I had been an average customer, but now I was someone who did not use the worms for fishing but kept them for some reason! Why do I have to offer additional information?                                

Three weeks ago I went back to buy more worms because the cold winter had killed mine. I marched to the depths (au fond) of the shop, but the refrigerator was completely empty. “Haven’t you got any worms,” I had to ask an assistant? “No, next week,” was his reply. The next week I was back but they had had problems with the suppliers and it would be “une quinzaine“, the French for a fortnight. By now all the young men in the shop know me because in the winter they don’t have many customers so the lady with the worm problems is the sole focus of their attention.

This week I went back and, yes, they had worms and I quickly paid my 1,50 euros and took them home. I opened the pot and “quelle horreur” all my worms were dead! Perhaps live worms are not necessary for a fisherman but for me they are vital. Oh, no! Now, I have not only to buy worms, I have to take them back to the shop and ask for them to be exchanged! It can’t be done tomorrow, as they might think I killed them through neglect! It must be done immediately! What is French for “Excuse me, but the worms you sold me earlier today are all dead?” Your average French textbook does not deal with such emergencies.

 So back I hurry to the shop. Again there is no one else there and the three young men are all surprised to see me. ” Ils sont tous mort”, I say as I offer up the tub of worms, and then I have to hide my embarrassment by trying to make a joke. “C’est difficile de faire………….. and here I mime blowing air into a dead worm. Two young men remain blank but the third understands this crazy English woman.” Bouche à bouche” he mutters to his mates. Yes, I was miming artificial respiration! Why do I do it?

So, one guy takes my dead worms and goes to the back of the shop and comes back with a replacement pot, these are “en pleine forme” he says. So I exit with my “fighting fit” box of worms.

I hope all you French teachers out there will use my experiences to teach your pupils the REALLY useful phrases necessary to cope with French life, for instance, buying worms!